Question below!

Q.) I have had ocd as far back I can remember around 7 (Then I feared death, so I was a frequent hand washer, etc). Due to movies and scary books I liked to read I then moved on to fear of mental illness. I became a Christian when I was 11 (I think) which eliminated the fear of death, because then when it was my time to go if I was faithful I would go to Heaven. Alot of my own \\\"cures\\\" for my ocd are Bible based. For example in high school I was afraid to have a class on any floor higher than the 3rd floor (I was afraid \\\"what if I freak out and run out the window, of course I didn\\\'t want to, but thought that if I was afraid of it enough and that was all I thought about that it would happen). At about 14 I developed \\\"God promised because of prayer\\\" solution that kept me sane. If you are religious this was based on \\\"Ask and it shall be given\\\" Matt. 7:7, Phil. 4:8, James 1:5. The longest obsessive fear episode I had was 1 week at that time, I feared that (don\\\'t know where this came from a movie?) I would be walking or just sitting, etc. and my mind would seperate from my body and be underneath wherever I was at the time. Of course I thought I was going crazy to have such a fear like that. By the way depression and ocd do run in my family, on both sides (yeah me!) Anyway, as a Christian I had been taught and believed that for all of lifes problems (exept physical) and struggles could be answered in the Bible. I was so terrified by that fear and sure that if I didn\\\'t find an answer I could go crazy and then that scared me more. I searched the scriptures and prayed alot of course and consulted with my mother, is this true? If we ask something of God that we need that we will have it? She said yes, if it is for the best. Well in my mind of course it was for the best that I didn\\\'t go crazy. So I prayed fully believing and would use the \\\"God promised because of prayer\\\" and it would calm me and I would just know that God wouldn\\\'t let me keep thinking that way. At that time we didn\\\'t know about panic attacks, etc. I am 40 now. Anyway that solution worked until I was 23 and I had just started dating my husband (we have been together for 17yrs) my parents didn\\\'t like him and I started taking the birth control pill. Needless to say I wasn\\\'t living a perfect Christian life (hadn\\\'t been bothered by any weird thouhts for several years). I don\\\'t know if it was because I knew I wasn\\\'t being a faithful Christian, or the fact that my parents didn\\\'t like him, chemical reaction from the pill, but anyway I just started to feel very nervous, like I would jump out of my skin and I just had to keep moving and I thought I was going crazy. That word would run through my mind 24/7, and it bothered me alot. I missed work, spent hours drinking and driving trying to \\\"get my head straight\\\". This lasted for about 5 months and we were young (I didn\\\'t go to any counselor or take any medication), so my husband was in a band so we were very busy all the time and I just started getting into the moment and the fear left me. Later when I thought about it I thought it was just a chemical reaction to the birth control pills. Know I know it was panic and anxiety. Life went on great for me, when I am \\\"normal\\\" there is nothing I can\\\'t do, I have a great sense of humor, fun to be with, I lost 50 pounds (using my ocd for good! I didn\\\'t know I had ocd at the time). Was always very self disciplined and liked schedules and routines made me very comfortable. Drastic changes always made me nervous. Anyway life was going great until I was 28. I had left a job I liked (because there were no health benefits) and went to what some people considered a great job. Anyway, when I left there I had 10 pages front and back of job duties (they had to get 2 people to do my job). I thought I liked the job, and I had a week off at Christmas, I cleaned my room (still lived at home) and moved my bed back to the place it was when I had the \\\"bad time\\\" at 23. The memories of that time and how I felt kept creeping back in, then I just knew I was crazy. I had my Dad take me to the hospital. They gave me xanax and sent me home (I thought they were going to commit me). This episode caused alot of missed work until I finally quit because I had to \\\"get my head straight\\\", so I drank alot again, and mixed with the drugs, it is a miracle I survived. The word crazy (or imagining myself \\\"commited\\\") would be with me 24/7. Thought seriously about suicide, being a Christian didn\\\'t go through with it. I had even left everyone letters and I burned them. I knew there had to be an answer just like the one that saved me in my teens. I just had to find it. This time I did seek couseling and was put on prozac and other meds. Still drinking with them. I couldn\\\'t sleep well so that was a main reason for the drinking. Had tried sleeping pills but they didn\\\'t work. I was terrified. I told my husband to just shoot me, take me to the hospital, etc. I was so obsessed with the scary thought it consumed me. I didn\\\'t want to do anything, causing depression of course. This episode lasted about 8 months and miracle of miracles I just started getting into the moment (my husband & I kept pretty busy he was still in a band) and had 12 years of normal living. I still would have some panic if someone wanted me to sit up front at church (that always caused me panic), and I had developed a bridge anxiety (I didn\\\'t drive across bridges unless someone was with me, afraid I might pass out and drive off bridge due to a time I was stuck in traffic on a bridge and had sinus infection and felt like I was going to pass out). Other than that I had \\\"me\\\" back, I was just so thankful and happy. One psychiatrist I had seen had asked me about things I liked, I like tv and movies, exercise, etc. and just suggested that I really focus on those things. I was waiting for a miracle but I got one, I was able to get into the moment and then it all went away. I had beleived that if I would think about going crazy that it could scare me enough to drive myself crazy. I survived, I was overjoyed. In the 12 yrs of peace of mind. I had been a heavy smoker and was down to 2 cig. a day. There were alot of stressful times in those 12 yrs. but I stayed strong and never smoked more than 2 cig a day. The reason I stayed at 2 is well the marriage isn\\\'t exactly what I thought it would be, I love him, he is good to me, there are some issues though due to his health problems that tempted me to have an affair, I knew I could never live with myself (being a \\\"thinker\\\" I tried to think of any way possible I could do that and not feel guilty). I never did have an affair, I just couldn\\\'t. Anyway in the 12 yrs. I was in sales, kept physically fit (obsessively of course!), had nice comforting routines, etc. In my mind I used my ocd for good, but I would get upset or irritated if plans got changed, someone stopped by unexpectadly and stayed for hours. Because I had these schedules I liked to keep. My motto was the more I do today the less I have to do tomorrow. Anyway in the 12 yrs. I finished my AA degree. The last class was algebra. Being OCD I had to have an A. In the 12 yrs. I allowed myself one of my days off as a \\\"lazy\\\" day. I believed from the incident at 28 that I was allergic to stress, so I felt that day kept me grounded and stress free (unless someone unexpectably stopped by for hours). Anyway I was still \\\"normal\\\" and from time to time something would remind me of that time but I just knew since I had always prayed after recovery that I would never be in that situation again, so I never gave it any thought. March of 2008, I hit the bottom, it started on a Wed. (not sleeping well, I could tell me mind was wondering and not fully in the moment) and by Sun. afternoon I started smoking more ( I broke my 2 cig a day limit I was so proud of), to sleep that night (I hadn\\\'t drank in years mainly because of the smoking, it is hard to drink beer and not want a cig. and for religious reasons also) my husband had some whiskey in the house ( I was drinking and \\\"thinking\\\" about how I didn\\\'t like the way I had been thinking since Wed. What am I going to do about it? Oh no, it\\\'s happening again. In the midst of my hysteria, panic, worry, (I had no medication at that time) I became convinced (I started worrying about the \\\"crazy\\\" thing again slightly on Fri.) Anyway, drinking whiskey and smoking I became convinced that I had \\\"crossed\\\" that line from sane to insane ( I shook all over, I had never felt that nervous and terrified in my life.) My husband was in bed that Sun. I told him I thought I was starting to have a \\\"bad time\\\" again. Anyway, it is now Nov. I am taking prozac again and more xanax than my dr. wants me to and am depressed and very scared. It\\\'s like being in a panic attack since the 2nd week of March. I have tried EFT, am enrolled in a program right now that I thought would help, am halfway through and lets just say I feel very desperate. I came the closest to committing suicide in April, I thought, this thought is never going to leave me alone, I took a bunch of sleeping pills (at the time I was taking a medication that did make me more hysterical and I am off that) I don\\\'t even remember how many I was so zoned out, then I got scared about dying ( I made myself bring the pills back up) and then I became even more nervous than before because I thought what if there is still enough in me to kill me? I wanted my husband to take me to the hospital to get my stomach pumped but he said they would keep me in the mental ward for attempted suicide (that being my worst fear, I always thought if I was hospitalized that I would never recover since that was my worst fear) so I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. Anyway needless to say I have been mentally tortuing myself since then. I can\\\'t seem to get the good thoughts to \\\"stick\\\". At times when I feel normal it doesn\\\'t feel normal and I don\\\'t like that. I feel there are 2 parts of me, one its the possitive thinker, there is nothing I can\\\'t do, never give up, the glass is half full, etc. very vibrant, normal, but there is this other side of me that is negative, scary thinking and I don\\\'t like that. There has to be an answer out there, my husband says you\\\'re fine just forget about it. This has really traumatized me this time. For one, I really believed in the prayer I said every night for strong spiritual, mental and physical health. And, how do I know this isn\\\'t just going to keep happening every 12 yrs. or so. I wish I hadn\\\'t taken that class last fall or been so obsessed with having an A. I took away my \\\"lazy\\\" day. I just can\\\'t seem to let myself be at peace with this. I want to. Thats all I want. I am very depressed and just don\\\'t know what to do. I have all this motivation (the good side of me, there has to be a way, of course I will be fine) but the bad side is so much stronger this time and I hate this so much. I am very determined to find an answer for me. If you have some advice that would be great. Nothing seems to work. The more I try to focus on \\\"the moment\\\" the more annoyed I get at myself when it doesn\\\'t \\\"stick\\\". I keep having flashbacks to that night when I thought Oh, this is how it feels to be crazy. I may not be crazy but I am very nervous and I don\\\'t like that I want ME back. What do I do? I have already spent alot of money on things that didn\\\'t work, I\\\'ve tried hypnosis (actually interestingly enough that was the suicide attempt weekendz), I thought that was my only hope. I really do believe in God and I don\\\'t understand why he is letting me torture myself this way. I know this is not the right way for a Christian to feel and think, but I feel \\\"helpless\\\" against the thought, all I want to do is sleep. But I just can\\\'t give up, but my mind is getting sooooo tired. How can I trust that this wont keep happening? I believed for 12 yrs. it would never happen again. I think I am still in shock, I feel like I\\\'m in some kind of alternate reality. Please help, I do notice that the more relaxed I am (which hasn\\\'t been lasting period of time since March, but sometimes are better) the clearer I can think. But I am still just blown away that I let myself get so stressed and in a bad thinking cycle again. No I do not drink anymore, it is just presc. drugs. I feel upset, dissapointed with myself. How can I start using my ocd for good and get over this and find my peace of mind again? Please, I feel the longer I go feeling like this the harder it is going to be to \\\"fix\\\" it. Bet this one is a challenge for you! I was so proud of myself in those 12 yrs. for using my ocd to keep my smoking at 2 a day, keep myself in shape, etc. There has to be an answer, please help. I am working again, I lost my job in June, and it actually makes me more nervous, the job is chaotic and I made a bad choice there. What is your advise and if you tell me to stop thinking about it I will scream. I am really afraid that I may have gone too far this time. (that is the negative side). The possitive side says, there has to be a way. Please help!!! PLEASE

A.) Wow! I can relate with you on a lot of levels! I used to also have trouble sleeping and I was an alcoholic for almost a year straight. I was drunk most of the time, sometimes twice a day! I was destroying myself with sleeping pills. I've been on ativan and xanax and clonazepam. I've tried other things too. I found that these things actually make anxiety worse and harder to deal with. At the same time, they are good to get rid of the "crazy" that you may feel. Once you get yourself to a point that you can think without actually thinking you're going crazy, in your moment of clarity make a conscious decision and resolution that you are not going to suffer from OCD anymore. Realize that you are causing your OCD, no outside source, therefore it is in your control to make a decision to not suffer from it. Now right when you make this decision, your OCD isn't going to magically dissappear, however, you are telling your subconscious mind, commanding it, to look for answers to your OCD, ask your subconscious mind this question before you go to bed, "Subconscious mind, how do I get rid of my OCD?" "I know it's possible and I will not take any excuses, just answers!" Then focus on something else or go to sleep and let your subconscious mind get to work, as it never sleeps! It will work on the answer for you while you are doing other things!

Try this for one week and let me know what changes have taken place in your life!